I remember graduating from high school and some of the girls were crying. We were all excited about our next chapter in our lives. But those girls were bawling their eyes out. They knew. They KNEW things were going to be different and that the comfortable shelter of childhood was coming to an end.
I had a best friend. Let’s just call her M. She was middle eastern and both her and I suffered from some light bullying, so I guess we both found solace knowing we both came from strict households and were the outliers in the high school social scene. She lived 4 blocks from my house and, even now, I remember what her room looked like. For some time she shared it with her Grandmother and had soccer posters up and Turkish evil eye jewelry laying around. We would spend our free time in high school working at Auntie Anne’s pretzel shop at the mall, I got a job there and brought her in. She was the first one to get a car and would drive me home from school from our after school activities. We did a school dance show and came up with a belly dance routine together, we joined the school play and did orchestra. We got drunk for the first time together. I remember passing notes and gossiping about the boys we liked. I was her maid of honor in her wedding.
We honestly shared a lot of great memories. I can’t go back more than 5 years without finding a picture of a moment we shared. But now we don’t talk or text and it’s been this way for a while.
We just kinda stopped talking. I would send her texts and try to make plans and they weren’t reciprocated. Nothing. A text would just not get much of a response. Plans would be cancelled last minute. It sucked.
A part of me wants to believe that friendships sometimes can drift apart and that maybe that they can be brought back together somehow and be the way they were.
But another part of me is like, “F that B*tch!”
Life didn’t keep us from being friends. Sending a text is nothing now. Keeping up to date and making quick call takes no time. We’re no longer friends now because one day she decided she didn’t want to spend time with me. SHE decided she didn’t want to be a good friend.
I was noticing other things though. Like how she would make time for other friends, she would post pictures of them doing things and making plans together. I know, I know… I shouldn’t be comparing myself to other people and focusing other people’s social media highlight reels. But I couldn’t really shake the feeling that our friendship wasn’t drifting apart but rather suddenly ending.
M stopped liking my stuff except for really positive items. Once in a while I’d get a random text like, “oh hey, how are you? It’s just been so busy but we have to hang out soon!” But then no real plans would materialize from her end.
I guess this is how it feels to be ghosted by your best friend.
My husband asked about her last night, “What happened to M? How couldn’t you guys just stop talking like that? For literally no reason?” I cringed inside when he said that, because I don’t really know either. If I think too much about it, I start to question all the things I did to deserve the ghosting. Maybe I wasn’t there for her either, maybe I’m too selfish. Maybe I wasn’t good enough? The truth I need to accept is that maybe I’ll never know. Human nature is a fickle thing.
The hardest part is that this happened during the toughest part of my life. I had an unexpected pregnancy, was failing career wise, was struggling to pay bills, and drowning in debt. It would have been nice to have my best friend there. It would have been nice to been part of her hardships too. But she stopped being my friend.
Things have changed for me now. I have new friends, not really a best friend now but good friendships that are understanding, light and easy. My relationship with my sisters have replaced that best friendship I lost. We call eachother weekly. I call my mom too. I have K’s family and sisters in my life. One friendship was lost, but so much as been gained at the same time. I really need to think of it that way.
I don’t know what I would do if M suddenly tried to pop back in my life. Life has gotten better for me since we stopped talking, that’s for sure. It seems a shame to let 10+ years of friendship fizzle out.
But what’s the quote people like to use?
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best?”
I feel kind of silly being this grown ass woman worrying about friendships from my childhood. Like I should be past these kind of disappointments by now, right? But friendships were a major part of my life when I was growing up. From ages 14-24 I had a best friend who was like a sister to me. My friendships were the most important think to me and it was even more important to keep them. If you would have told 18 year old me that in seven years I would no longer be talking to M, I would have called you a liar. I would have never believed it. It would have been unfathomable to me.
Maybe that’s part of growing up though, its accepting that friendships and even relationships can’t last forever. Two people aren’t even obligated to keep in touch after so many years. M doesn’t owe me anything and I should really stop having these kinds of expectations on people.
Part of growing up is realizing that people can grow apart and sometimes the ship’s just sailed.
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