Status Update: I’m Still Not Vibing At Work

Stress at your job or feeling over worked concept.

Things have settled in my job quite a bit since I last posted about it.  I’m actually about to go on vacation which I 1000% deserve considering how hard I worked in April and May covering the whole office while people were leaving this company left and right.

And yes, I was showered with praise and gratitude during that time.  I showed what I was truly made of despite being undermined by my coworker.  But people in this company forget and now that things have settled down, all that gratitude is being eroded.

They had approved some time off for me WAYYYY before the whole transition of the previous manager leaving and the new one being hired.   Then they hired the new manager who required the same vacation time.  So now here we are in August about to leave the office in the hands of our Director and another property’s manager.

I take so many issues with the company I’m at now, with how they treat their employees. Last time I checked Paid Time Off was part of the benefits program and each employee was entitled to it.

My Director has the gall to tell me:

“You know, Our Director of Operations, really wanted you to cover those days your manager (N) had off.”  “I know we approved those days but your lucky we let you keep them.  Technically your time off is voluntary, it’s not a necessary part of running the business.”

I was like WTF is she telling me right now??? Am I slave?   This is crazy!  I can’t believe she said that to me.

I respond, “Well, this time was approved before the previous manager left.  I honestly don’t consider working 7 days straight and then having 5 days off a vacation.  Our vacations are well deserved, I especially since I worked very hard this year.”

She let it go after that.

You’re probably reading this right now like why the hell am I still at the company.  They obviously don’t respect their employees and would rather abuse them.  But it’s a good paying job, great benefits and a steady paycheck.  (shrugs).  A job is a job.

It doesn’t help that my new manager, N, doesn’t know how to navigate the whole political landscape that is part of the role.  In less than 3 months he’s got our marketing director, director and some of the other departments upset with his attitude towards their requests and the changes he wants made.  Apparently making changes that would be efficient would create work for other departments, which they HATE.

You see the corporate environment doesn’t care about your individual contribution.  Every single employee, except for ownership, is replaceable.  We are to produce more and more each year.  There’s no “rah, rah, hoorah!” for meeting last years quota in a bad market.

But you know from my previous posts that I know how to be an entrepreneur so that’s the hard part for me.  I KNOW things can be better.  I KNOW I don’t have to be treated like crap.  I KNOW I could start my own business tomorrow and in 5 years be somewhere with it.   And I am going to start a business, I’m going to start taking this writing thing and motivational shit seriously.  But right now I just need this paycheck and benefits before I get the ball rolling.

I honestly feel more uneasy about my career at this company than I every felt while working for myself.  I’m constantly reminded that things can change in an instant and the office life I got used to could be taken from me by the “powers that be.”  At least when I was self-employed I could rely mainly on myself.  I am probably the most reliable person I know.

So my Director spent the whole day talking about how she hated our new manager.  Then she went on to me and how she thought the old manager ‘walked all over me.”  She had repeated this in front of all my colleagues.  Those were her literal words.  It was rude and uncalled for, and definitely inappropriate.  I could tell she was just trying to get under my skin and find out how far SHE could push me.  I wish I could go to HR, but honestly I don’t trust HR.  The HR here does the BARE MINIMUM.

You’re only bitter because you’re a sad and lonely woman.  I feel sorry for you.  Now I wish I said that but I was like, let me keep my job today.  Please.  I need to pay off the remaining $25K of my student loans.  And I didn’t want to stoop to her level.  You know, karma and stuff.  Then she went on to brag about how she fired our weekend receptionist because she couldn’t print labels.

I think the best strategy when working with cocky, difficult and challenging bosses is just to keep it moving. We are so over worked at this company, no one even has to stand up to the bosses and make a case for themselves.  The level of manipulation here is so painful and obvious but it works.  Enough people are quiet.

I personally think a lot of work environments allow this type of toxic behavior.  Anywhere you have people vying for their own economic interests you’ll have people fighting dirty.

I also got to meet the manager of one of the other departments.  I never met someone so inauthentic.  I didn’t get good vibes. She’s covering while N and I are out of the office and she didn’t seem too thrilled with the task.

Looking at her, I realized I’ll never go up in value in this company.  They don’t value their employees and the people they bring in to manage…just can’t.  I don’t want to be part of a management team that uses threats and manipulation to keep their employees in line.  And as a result, I don’t want to be part of any management team because almost all corporate environments require a cut throat demeanor.

But there are still many people who don’t need to stoop so low or cut down their teams to  feel productive and feel important.  I’ve seen them.

Thats why I vowed to return to being an entrepreneur and help teach others how to be entrepreneurs.  Because at the end of the day no one is going to give it to you,  The only person who can get it is you.  The days of working for a company and being respected and treated with dignity are over.

Please check out my other posts:

  1. My Job is Killing Me….
  2. Never Believe The Propaganda, Create Your Own Purpose
  3. My Favorite Motivational Mantra
  4. Stand Up For Yourself, Even When You Have Everything To Lose

 

 

 

 

Top Lessons I learned In Business & As A Salesperson

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The first “Job” Job I ever had

When I was 21, I started an online distribution company on Amazon.  I was working for this shady distribution company acting as their “Purchasing Manager” for like $15 dollars an hour.  They wanted me to get contacts for brands like MAC cosmetics, designer fragrances, coach bags, and other high end accounts.  My role was to buy at wholesale then ship oversees where the product was scarce and make a huge markup at the other offices.  It was super shady because we were dealing with an international Singapore office and selling goods that were unauthorized by the brands in certain locations.  Basically dealing in a gray market.  Turns out the whole beauty distribution industry is super shady in this regard.  Rather than discount certain goods to the public, companies like MAC cosmetics or Proctor & Gamble will sell to third party distributors old and unsold products, who will then sell it again to online sellers, third party shops and overseas.  So all those Ebay and Amazon stores selling cosmetics and goods are not necessarily fake, but are likely old product that’s been cycled through different distributors.

 I eventually had a contact for MAC cosmetics and decided to be bold and use it for my own use and become an Amazon pro-seller.  The money was just calling me.  I couldn’t help but think if I start selling this stuff people would buy it.  This was my first experience working for myself and being an entrepreneur.   My online store  was for cosmetics and our main item for sale was MAC Cosmetics. You wouldn’t believe how popular MAC is online, we had this wholesaler who would sell it to us. (I swear it was authentic). That was literally the only thing we would sell. I sold 80k worth of it within the first year.

Well I guess we didn’t tip the wholesaler enough because he stiffed us on the product and wouldn’t sell to us any more.

All the other product out there to buy was pretty much garbage and not giving us a high enough profit margin to make the effort.

After that I closed the business but I learned a few good lessons about owning a business:

  1. Never go into business with a friend.
    1. It sounds fun at first but it’sa recipe for disaster. I had worked with her at the distribution company and it was a lot of fun.  I felt guilty for taking the contact and profiting on my own, when my best friend was sitting right next to me.  We had very different approaches to the business though.  She wanted to cash out too early so we were never able to reinvest or grow the company. If our orders were growing, it would have been more worthwhile for the supplier and he would have been less likely to drop us like that. We were unknowingly wasting his time by making him fill our small orders twice a month.
  2. Always tip the people who help you make money
    1. It’s just good karma and it good at relationship building. You won’t believe how good “You’ll scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” strategy works.  I was so stupid to not give a nice Christmas bonus, like it’s such an obvious thing to do. When when your young and trying to start a business with absolutely no money, every dollar counts, but the dollars you spend on the people who help you be successful are the most important to spend.
  3. Never rely on one source of income or client for your business.
    1. When the MAC supply ran dry so did our business. We never bothered to diversify. We could have done videos on makeup or promoted our own products. But we never got that far.
    2. I’ve also read about other people making this mistake like YouTubers and Insta Influencers using only one platform to make their connections.  This is obviously risky since you are not in charge of the overall platform and if they decide to shut you down because of a “policy violation,” well then you’re SOL.

Lessons I learned From Being A Salesperson

When I stopped doing what the other salespeople were doing that’s when it clicked and I started to do so much more business.  There are 10,000 licensed real estate salespeople in  NYC.  There are only so many rental and sales deals for all those agents.  The reality is that not everyone will be successful in this industry and many are living hand to mouth and deal to deal.

They say 5% of salespeople make 80% of deals. To be the top sales person you need to do things other people aren’t willing to do or are too lazy to do.

In real estate that meant doing a mailing list. Many agents were too preoccupied with finding their next deal, they didn’t think ahead to do long term prospecting like email blasts and promotions.

I also prospected by cold calling leads for exclusives and following up relentlessly. All I needed was to have one door open and then I would snowball that opportunity into other opportunities.

Over time you want to create a snowball effect of success. Promoting yourself and showing off your accomplishments helps you get the confidence and business you need from new customers.  The snowball effect is probably the most important lesson I learned.  The more time you spend on a business, the more it should grow.  It should never be stagnant  unless there is a catastrophic economic collapse or recession.  The issue is that no one teaches you how to start the snowball.  In the beginning, it looks very small and almost useless to keep rolling.  Maybe a piece breaks off here and again there but over time all the cumulative effort you made over the years will be worth something, it will get stronger, and next thing you know you have a giant business! (Snowball!)

Once the snowball is huge, that’s when people notice you and give you more business with little prospecting.

Things that will help you grow your snowball:

  • Mailing lists and email blasts with all the contacts you’ve ever had
  • Cold calls
  • Holiday cards
  • Quality business cards
  • Neat  work space
  • Requesting referrals
  • Gifts at closing
  • Following up with service, doing surveys
  • Having a business plan and marketing plan
  • Being consistent with the above items

I hope you’ve found this post really useful. It was actually a discussion that I first started on Quora but it was so popular there, I decided to expand on the discussion.

Let me know your thoughts and feedback and feel free to follow, share and like.

Other Posts

Thinking About Working For Yourself? Consider These Strengths & Pitfalls!

Work Smarter, Not Harder

Why I Took The Risk And Quit Law School

Blood Is Thicker Than Water: The Power Of Family

Happy young family having fun running on beach at sunset

Or so the saying goes. I’ve been thinking a little bit about how my friendships have gone over the years and how things are so different now.

I used to think my friendships were everything. Ten years ago I had a group of friends from high school. We basically promised to be friends forever. But over a ten year period we all kind of fell off. At first I would get jealous when I perceived that I was being left out of a group. Like say I wasn’t invited to a random brunch or if I wasn’t included in a group text where some inside joke happened.  And to be honest, I WAS being left out by them. I wouldn’t call myself the most interesting or exciting person be be around at 18, true friendships just seemed to allude me.

So I felt really lonely during that time. What I didn’t realize was that I still had my family and that was my rock in life. During that lonely period, I didn’t realize that I was still going home every weekend and spending time with my sisters and my parents. They were in the background while I was out trying to keep my friends and make friends.

Then I got married and had a blessing child, one that I was neither prepared for nor mature enough for. I was 24.  All the friends that said they would help me out and visit when my child was born, gone. Ghosted. They were too busy traveling and partying. I guess that’s life. The weakest ties are the first ones to break.

It’s something I really didn’t value when I was younger. My cousins who are in the US are literally 3 hours away and I just felt so different from them. But now that I live closer, we text and chat and do eachother favors like no time has passed. I helped my cousin fix her resume so she could be a practicing esthetician and she helped me with some beauty treatments.

When I married my husband, I was marrying him but I didn’t realize that meant I was marrying into his family too. That can go either way depending on who you’ve married. I’ve heard stories of marriages and relationships being bliss until a mother in law steps in and places seeds of doubt into the husbands mind and undermines his wife.  Or the sister that likes to walk around in short shorts around your husband.  (Yes, I’ve seen this happen to someone I knew and it wasn’t pretty).  But I got lucky and his family is pretty amazing.  I just love that he has a large extended family.  Like 10 aunts and countless cousins.  It can be so confusing to remember everyones name but over time I kind of just became like one of them.

Every year they do a holiday party and its pretty awesome to be part of another family you weren’t born into.  Aunts and Uncles catching up.   His cousin Clara was telling me her career plans while I shared a few tips of my own.  And all of us sharing drinks and cheering to another year together and good company.  It just seems so much more effortless with family.  Family makes time for each other.

Meanwhile me and my “friends” want to meet up and it becomes:

“Oh wait, I realized I have a thing that day, can we change it” Of course this comes last minute after everyone else makes the commitment to meet on a certain day.

Or, “Thats so inconvenient, let’s meet closer to my place.  That restaurant is just too far from where I am and I’ll have to spend $ in order to get there.”  Meanwhile, it’s just as far for everyone else.

Or, “Don’t invite ____, me and her aren’t talking.”

Maybe women are just catty like that and don’t know how to be good friends.  But these kind of rude interactions are a freaking regular occurrence.

Or maybe I was looking for friends that had a bond like family, when really only family can treat you like family.

True friendship is probably the hardest thing to maintain and accomplish and I have yet to find it.  A true friend is someone who always has your back and through thick and thin.  They will support you, or at least listen to your problems.  They don’t get jealous of your good fortune or try to shoot you down.  They laugh with you and find moments of happiness to reflect on.

It’s sad, but I’ve never had a friendship like this.   My marriage is like this, but never a friendship.  The closest I’ve ever had was with that friend that ghosted me.  The friendship was great until we had our own families and decided to go our own ways.

I’m not saying that all friendships will fall apart.  I’ve certainly seen many friendships that surprisingly were able to with stand decades.  But friendship, like any other relationship requires effort, time, respect, and forgiveness.  People in my experience, just don’t have that kind of commitment in them.  Some people can’t even commit to their own families.  So I think it’s harder to find a true friendship like that.

So yes, blood is thicker than water.  In most cases that is.  I hope all of you reading this can take a moment and appreciate the value that family can have in your life.  Don’t be like me and realize this nearly 30 years later in life.

Some great quotes on family that I think capture it’s true importance

“Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.” ~ Michael J. Fox

“Family is a unique gift that needs to be appreciated and treasured, even when they’re driving you crazy. As much as they make you mad, interrupt you, annoy you, curse at you, try to control you, these are the people who know you the best and who love you.” ~Jenna Morasca

“You need a strong family because at the end, they will love you and support you unconditionally. Luckily, I have my dad, mom and sister.” ~Esha Gupta

Feel free to check out my other posts:

The Power Of Positivity

Stand Up For Yourself, Even When You Have Everything To Lose

On Gratitude…

The Power Of Change

Work Smarter, Not Harder

Work smarter not harder

I was writing a comment on this article.  The article was about being a type A personality and it inspired me to kind of dig deeper because this guy was writing about how he has like 3 jobs and is a perfectionist and easily works 16-17 hour days. And he was kind of promoting this as a normal thing to aspire for. That he was type A personality, a perfectionist that demanded so much from himself.

I was short and sweet with my comment but was basically like, “You need balance, dude! Work smarter, not harder!”

We live in a work culture that takes advantage of these types of people and pits the work horses against everyone else for the sake of production.  We don’t need to be promoting this type of behavior. Honestly, the writer was essentially sacrificing his relationships and health in the long term for more money short term. And that to me does not seem like a good deal.  I guess he had to think it over, but he eventually commented back that he was only working this hard to build for his future for his finance and cut down his debt and that he agreed that this current workload was not sustainable.

It really did make me think about the type of people I often find in my workplace vs the type of employee I wanted to be.

There are really 3 types of workers:

Lazy workers- Typical worker, makes up a majority of today’s work force. Doesn’t care to improve or grow professionally.  Happy with their slice of pie, only thinking about their salary increases and benefits. Looks at investments and business opportunities as too risky.

Hard workers- Time is money and these people tend to follow paper like it’s the gospel to life. They sacrifice all their personal relationships, free time, hobbies to work. These work horses generally are high earners in their company but leverage their salary for more responsibility and more hours. They are also adverse to risk and are only going to consider investments and business endeavors if it will reap quick money.

Smart workers- leverage their experience and time for more money. Unlike hard workers, who sacrifice time for money in positions that they are easily replaced in, smart workers focus on long term career growth ands specialize in niche areas that will be of great use and high demand. Or they recognize their unique experience to be valuable and come up with a business idea that blows up.

I think the difference between the three workers is really just attitude. The lazy worker is the worst, they are not really able to see beyond themselves and their long term contributions to their work. They don’t have the ambition or drive to give extra and see what it reaps. They often hold the belief that they are hard working enough and that they should get better pay for just being there. They often exhibit bad habits like lateness, lack of detail, lack of effort, a disinterest in the work.

My previous receptionist was this type of worker, I had mentioned her in a previous post. Her issue was that she knew the work but would “pretend” to forget or not know in order to lighten her workload. Over time this worked she had the easiest role in the office, leaving at 6 when me and our manager would often leave at 7. But when my asst. director came in to restructure the office, it became obvious she was the weak link to our production, so she was the first to be cut and the easiest to replace.

My old manager was a hard worker she would make sure all deadlines and reports were complete, it would be so detailed. Everything had to be perfect. Any reports that she did would take hours to compile. Her work was correct but at the end of the day none of the directors had the time to actually review it in depth so it went unnoticed.   She was also a shrew that made sure she had a majority of all the deals so between the deals she had to close and the detailed reports she had to do, she was working 60 hours a week. Yes, she was making more money. But she was also working more hours and putting more effort to make more money. She wasn’t any happier either. For all that money she was making, she wasn’t enjoying it and she eventually pushed herself out of a good job with her self-created discontent.

I think the happiest kind of employment, the one I aspire for, is to be a smarter worker. I think it takes a lot of self awareness to pick which traits are marketable and in demand.  I also think courage to take take that skill and make it a business, especially if no one else has done that before.  And I think it takes a lot of confidence to put a price on those skills and stick to it.

When I was an rental agent , there were other agents charging less than a months rent in commission.  They were undercutting a lot of agents.  Considering you had to pay the brokerage a piece of your deals, taxes, and other business expenses, that basically meant that those brokers had to work on a high volume basis.  They were spinning their wheels, showing apartment after apartment in the summer heat.  They had to be dishonest to keep the leads and clients flowing.

I didn’t have the heart for all that.  I focused on quality and getting the highest commission possible, almost 2 months worth of rent.  I focused on creating value and marketing my skills for getting the best deals for clients so that my commission would pay itself off after the first year.   Well, I wouldn’t say I was the highest earning salesperson but I definitely made just as much as the high volume agents with literally HALF the work.  That was working SMART.  I had people who were so happy with my service, they were referring other clients who would pay FULL commission.  They were referring other clients who would buy properties with me!

I ended up leaving that work environment due to personal reasons, but I never forgot the lesson of what it meant to work smarter.

Now I’m working  a salaried position and I’m constantly trying to find ways to make my time more valuable, to do more with less and be more productive.  I’m hoping my company would value that and reward me at bonus season.  I’m also trying to find ways to leverage my other talents and skills, to hopefully something profitable.

There’s no one rule for working smarter but if I had to name one thing that will definitely help you: STOP DOING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING.  Most people are not smart or even hard workers.  Following the status quo is the recipe for mediocrity.

Share the ways you were able to find better use of your talent and time below, I’d love to hear it.

Feel free to read my other posts:

Playing The Game Of Life And Winning: 5 Approaches To Success

Organize Your Mind: How To Be More Productive With Your Day

My Job is Killing Me….

Status Update: Don’t Over Do It!

Feel free to like, share and follow if you liked this post

My Experience Shopping High End Luxury

I usually shop Macy’s or Century 21. My mom taught me the satisfaction of getting a good deal from the clearance racks. Actually, Century 21 is as luxurious as I ever get. The only time I’ve walked through Nordstrom or Neiman Marcus was to get from the parking lot to the inside part of the mall.

Why would anyone pay $500+ for a pair of shoes or $1000+ for a purse?

Then I met K’s family and every Christmas his parents would buy something extravagant for eachother like a Burberry bomber leather jacket or new shoes from Salvatore Ferragamo.

I would exchange gifts in awe, kinda wanting to reach that level of success where I could buy my own luxury item or be able to gift it to someone I loved.

This fall we’re going to a family wedding and as members of the bride’s immediate family it’s kind of expected we’ll go all out.

K and his Dad (FIL-father in law) decided to get matching suits from Hugo Boss. I would describe shopping with them to be fun. They go in there like it’s any other store. Meanwhile I’m an old pair legging and some beat up chucks.

Still that wasn’t stopping them from getting the freshest suits they could find at Hugo Boss. Of course, FIL knew the salespeople at Hugo Boss, so they greeted him warmly. His Dad let the salesmen know that they were going to get identical suits for the wedding. I would describe the salesmen as charming, cleancut and well dressed in the brand’s suits.

The younger salesperson, I never got his name so let’s call him Cesar (he looked like a Cesar!), already knew FIL’s size and was quick to measure my husband to get the right fit. They put on this dark royal blue suit and I knew right away it was the winner. K always looks good in blue. Cesar looks to me asks me what I thought. I told him that’s the right one. As his Dad makes plans to pay for the two suits, the store manager greets us an offers us some water or juice. We thank him but Cesar has already made sure we had water and juice for our daughter S.

The suits are given to us on a hanger and garment bag with Hugo Boss etched on the front. They tell K to come in again a month before the wedding so they can custom tailor it.

Overall, I would consider that to be an exceptional customer service experience from the moment we stepped into the store to the moment we left.

Carrying our Hugo Boss garment bags, we sauntered into Salvatore Ferragamo. Those salespeople pounced on us. They saw us as the branded bags we had and knew “cha-ching!” they were making quota today. Maria, FILs salesperson from Ferragamo was there and he made sure to go to her. I guess that’s what you do, once you find a good salesperson you keep going to them so they get their commission and keep taking care of you.

Compared to the cool and collected nature of the Hugo Boss salesmen, the Ferragamo were nearly desperate. I couldn’t help but notice that the store was nearly empty, with most of the traffic strolling in and then strolling out.

Leather purses and designer shoes line the walls and we settle in the back on these plush couches, exhausted from all the shopping we did. At this point, I’m all shopped out. Maria and their sales manager are bringing out shoe after shoe for my husband and his Dad to try. They finally settle on one of their classic leather shoes. They aren’t done yet, they still need to meet their sales quota and set their eyes on my mother in law (MIL).

“Oh what about that blue bag you were looking at the last time you were here?” Maria cooes.

“You know its discounted new now for our regulars…” she continues.

Before Maria is done with her sentence the manager comes by with the bag. MIL is thinking it over and looks inside and out to make sure it’s not damaged.

“Just get the bag if you like it,” FIL says to her anticipating her reservations over price.

Cha-ching! They’ve made goal!

Next they set their eyes on me and see if they can entice me into a sale. The manager brings these beautiful evening shoes.

I am not prepared to try them on, I haven’t had a pedicure in months and NO ONE is going to see my feet. Also it would have been a pretty impractical buy, what other event would I wear them for?

I say I’d rather not and they finally give up on their final sale.

Overall, the level of thirst I experienced at Ferragamo kind of left me from wanting to buy from them again, although K’s family is all about the quality of their shoes.

But I still needed some nice shoes for the wedding and was mulling it over on what to wear. After listening to “Bodak Yellow” on repeat for a week, I decide I should get something ostentatiously obvious and expensive. I should get Louboutins. I’m thinking it over and considering stopping by the Macy’s where Louboutin has a corner boutique.

One day K and I are finishing up running around and doing errands. We decide to make a mall trip out of the end of the day and shop around. K suggest that I get my shoes now, we’re not going to have time later to buy them, our weekends have been packed lately.

So we stroll into Neiman Marcus’s shoe department and I go right to the Louboutin section. Mind you, I look like crap on a stick with the same converse and leggings I was wearing when I went to Hugo Boss and I still didn’t get that pedicure I desperately needed.

I lift a shoe over and see the price. $875. This one is a platform nude with the red bottom signature sole.

The nearest saleswoman sees me and starts to make her way over.

“Do you need help?”

I hesitated for a moment. I could either reply that I was just browsing or I could engage the sale.

“Actually, can I try this on.”

“Sure, what’s you’re size?”

I look at her like I don’t even know. I tell her 8 1/2 or 9. She runs to the back room and grabs both sizes.

I’m so embarrassed to take off my shoes because my feet feel so gross.

But I try on the first pair of luxury Louboutins and they feel FABULOUS! But a little tight in the front. You know how there’s always that one foot that bigger than the other. I was concerned about that and whether these deathly tall heels would be decently comfortable.

I ask her if the patent leather will have any give later on and become looser?

Monica, my salesperson, was honest and said there wouldn’t be much give and that the toebox is usually tight. So I asked her for another shoe one size up. I guess European girls have small feet, not me.

She brings back the pair I wanted and I try them on and they fit perfectly! I stroll around and see the shoes in the mirror and they are solid! This is the biggest purchase I’ve made on shoes so I want to make sure they make sense for me and were comfortable. Now that the shoe is bigger for one foot, what about the other? It’s sliding a little bit and I point it out to Monica.

“You can also put an insole in one shoe if you feel like one is slipping.” She goes and grabs me an insole. I look at her like she’s a miracle worker, both shoes fit perfectly. There’s really no reason for me to not buy these shoes…except the price. I decide to swallow the purchase and get them anyway.

At the register she rings me up and tells me about their credit card program. Of course I’m a sucker for any deals on these outrageous shoes! So I sign up for the credit card to get some points and so I can also break up the payment of these shoes in three parts.

Overall I would consider Monica as a pretty good salesperson. She overcame all my objections, solved the problems, gave me good customer service and was really knowledgeable on the shoes, the fits, and materials.

Compared to the usual frenzied shopping experience I have at the Macy’s shoe dept, I can see how people would shell out for a high end product like this. There was only one other couple shopping for shoes so It was pretty much a one on one experience on a Saturday.

At Hugo Boss, Ferragamo and Neiman Marcus I felt a lot more catered to. I was offered water and beverages and the salespeople had business cards! Like, business card really do make it more official than having to poke your head around the department asking for “the lady who was nice last time.” It was also a lot less crowded and a cleaner presentation.

So here are the shoes and me wearing them. Definitely a good purchase that I will be able to use for the next 10+ years.

I’m also wearing a Guess Skirt and Vince Camuto Blouse.

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Stand Up For Yourself, Even When You Have Everything To Lose

Once You Become Fearless Life Becomes Limitless placard with bokeh background

They say sticks and stones will break your bones but words can never hurt you.

I beg to differ.

Because every time I’ve ever let someone talk down to me, I’ve felt like absolute garbage. And I think bad or negative encounters stay with us longer than we like to admit. There are some people in this world that are just plain nasty. You can be as sweet as pie to them and they always find a way to cut you down. Sometime we don’t even know how we feel until hours after the encounter occurs. In instances of confrontation I’ve always walked away, but I’ve learned to let the other person know that I’m not going to take it from them and their behavior is not acceptable.

——–

The first time I’ve had a bad encounter was when I was working at Auntie Anne’s pretzels. 18 year old me as standing by the cash register selling hand rolled delicious pretzels. A customer had asked for extra butter on her cinnamon sugar pretzel and as I was putting in the bag after she had paid she says, “You’re disgusting. You just touched my pretzel with your hands.”

I said, “No ma’am, I’m using the tongs to grab these. But if you like I can give you another one”

“Okay, I want these.” She points to the cinnamon sticks which are 75 cents more.

“Okay, but those are the cinnamon sticks, they’re more than the regular pretzels. They’re 75 cents more.”

“Well, I don’t know why I should pay more for them.”

“You get more pretzels with it, that’s the price Ma’am.”

My coworker who sees me struggling, tells me to just give her the sticks for the same price.

“I usually can’t do this, but I’ll give these to you for the same price as the pretzels.”

“You know what, I should get these for free since you’ve wasted so much time.”

I’m starting to get really aggravated. “Sorry, I can’t give food for free”

We go back and forth like this and this nasty woman tells me I’m just a cashier and I’m a loser.

She takes the pretzel sticks and then throws it at me. This adult woman just threw food at me!!

I had never been attacked like that in my life and she literally just laughed as this 18 year old high schooler cried tears of anger and frustration.

That day I learned some people are just sadists and just take pleasure in hurting, humiliating and taking advantage of people in fast food.

That altercation sat with me for a few days. I wished I stood up for myself more and wondered what it was about me that gave that woman the impression I was someone to pick on.

———–

My first tour as a NYC rental broker was equally as bad of an altercation. It was literally my first day showing and my senior agent had these two recent grads looking for a 1BR under 2300 in midtown. And if you know Manhattan, you know that’s a dirt cheap rent anywhere. I had no idea what my senior agent Kevin had told these girls but I met them at the corner of 56th and Lexington and had them sign the Fee agreement for the apt they were about to see. I was so nervous. I wasn’t even trained on anything yet, and I probably came off as really green.

“Why do I have sign this?!” One of the girls demanded.

“There’s a fee with this apt. I can’t show this apt unless you agree to a brokers fee if you rent this”

The girls eyed me suspiciously, then signed it.

We went off to see the apt down the street.

“This is a terrible apt, not what we saw online. You wasted our time.”

I called Kevin to confirm that was the apartment they had called on. He confirmed and told me to ask them if they wanted to see any of our other apts in that price range.

I don’t remember what was said next but they were picking on me, double teaming me and complaining about, “how I switch and baited them and that the’ve seen better apartments with other agents.”

I just wanted the appointment to end. “Well, it sounds like I don’t have anything else to show that you would like, I’m sorry.” I said tersely.

“What a waste of time!”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” And then I left.

One block later I’m on the verge of tears wondering if I can really cut it in real estate.

I was happy that I kind of stood up for myself but hated that I felt so small.

—————-

Today a client tried to move in a day early. These are literally professional hustlers and were fighting us every step of the way. They had their movers at the building. And were furious that they couldn’t move in rent free, one day early.

“You all knew we were trying to move in a day early!!” Professional finger pointers.

My manager was trying to resolve the problem but was making it worst with his lack of tact. “I’m sorry I can’t just give you these keys and have you get one days free rent.” 🤦🏽‍♀️

These people were desperate to get keys with all their stuff ready to move so they started throwing my name under the bus. “I signed leases with Alex and we talked about this!”

I wanted to set the record straight so I went talk to the client and try to smooth things over with some understanding. He started saying how ridiculous the whole thing was and how we’re holding him and his girlfriend hostage by not giving him keys etc. He’s telling me we don’t know how to do our jobs. He was raising his voice and getting in my space.

A part of me felt small again, like that day I felt when the woman threw pretzels at me. But I was thinking, I don’t need to apologize and if this becomes a full out confrontation, I’ll just leave.

I said calmly, “you don’t need to talk to me like that.”

“You messed up our whole morning and my girlfriend is late for work, I’ll talk to you how I want to!”

Oh yeah? I threw my hands up and said, “I don’t need to indulge this.” I started walking away calmly and called him disrespectful.

I got over it but it was funny how everyone in the office was so quiet when he attacked me verbally. Not even my manager knew what to do. He later brownnosed his way back into the client’s good graces.

I told my manager, “I don’t care, one day I might get fired for not sitting down and taking it from client’s and I’ll just have to move on to the next property.”

He seemed shocked that I would be so bold and tell him he can’t make me be nice to these assholes.

——————–

I’m actually a very introverted person and when people attack me for something that’s I did, I take responsibility and offer a solution. But if that’s not enough, I know how how to take my losses and walk away, while politely telling someone they are out of line.

Life is a slippery slope and we end up taking the treatment we think we deserve.

Don’t let anyone make you feel small. Stand up for yourself when people try to step on who you are and take advantage. If you think people will stand up for you, they won’t. Nobody stood up for me in any of these scenarios, sure they sympathized with how I felt, but no one stood up. I could have lost my job for not giving good customer service but I took the risk and guess what, I didn’t lose my job!

Some of you might be reading this and thinking, it’s not worth the aggravation and that you should never risk your job for your pride. And maybe I’m giving bad advice. But in my heart and in my soul, I know that every time I don’t stand up for myself I’m allowing myself to be treated as less than and accepting that as truth. I know it probably won’t change how nasty some people are. If standing up for myself doesn’t do much else, at least I set a boundary with myself on what I’m willing to accept. Ego shm-ego.

The workplace is a tough place, and you always have to remember to look out for #1. No ones going to stick up for you and no one’s going to defend you. And while most jobs require some level of customer service and hospitality, it doesn’t mean you should allow your self to be treated like a doormat and disrespected.

Jobs come and go but your sense of self and how you are to be treated by other people is 100% on you.

Thanks for reading, if you liked this post feel free to follow, like and share!

How Did That B*tch Get Rich?

Wealthy woman in elegant clothes standing against car.

The big question on my mind.  On everybody’s mind, really.

As I start to make my transition to my 30s, the money question seems to be everywhere.  We’re all so proud of the 401ks we started and the money moves we’ve made.  It’s all so nice to flash cash on Instagram and Snapchat.  Just like how (in our early 20s)  we used to show off how many times we went out in a week or all the people we knew, now the trend is to show off how we’ve got it like that.

I was meeting a girlfriend for lunch last Saturday and as we strolled around Chelsea we chatted about all the good things we were doing for ourselves.  Allie was a teacher and after years of partying and living with her parents was tired of being broke.  So she was taking things into her own hands and making moves of her own.  She got a new job that gave her benefits, she had a tutoring job on the side, and planned to work the after school program.  She was ready to make $$$ and I was really happy for her.

I said, “You’ve got to get if for yourself, no one’s going to give it to you.”

She was like, “Absolutely, but sometimes I look at some people and I’m like, how did that Bitch get rich?”  “Like really, of all people.”

I didn’t really know what people or bitches she was talking about but it was a question that I had been determined to answer since before we were really even friends.

I remember being in High School and watching MTVs “My Super Sweet Sixteen” and it was this stupid reality show about rich teenage girls planning their over the top sweet sixteen.  It would literally be 50K and up type parties.  Mini weddings.  At the end they would get a new Mercedes or Ferrari or whatever they wanted and I was like WTH how do people live like this?

My super sweet 16

I became obsessed with understanding how rich people come to be and thats kind of how I got into NYC real estate.  I wanted to understand how do people get rich.  Maybe if I got close to it, I would be able to understand it and create wealth in my own life.

Well, being a NYC rental broker, you get to see the intimate details of someone’s wealth.  You see their tax returns, their employment letters, the professions they chose, the co-signers that they use to get an apartment, the assets in their bank accounts and more!  It blew my mind at first, how much wealth was needed to live in NYC.  It’s literally wealth I still don’t have but understanding it and seeing how wealth exists in our world helped me accept the fact that I’m not wealthy, at least not in the sense that “My Super Sweet Sixteen” portrayed.  Here are the top ways that I noticed people were able to live a wealthy lifestyle.

Generational Wealth

This is the most common way that wealth is accumulated for most people.  I call it, “Getting A Leg Up.”  People who come from generational wealth are already starting at 10.

To be generationally wealthy is a true privilege.  People with generational wealth not only have the resources and assets to seize more opportunities, they are already raised to use money in a way that works for them and are less likely to fall into debt and other problems that would detract from be wealthy.

Example: Jerry is a 3rd generation American.  His grandfather came to the USA and hustled 3 jobs to buy a house and raise his family of 3 children.  One of the 3 children starts a business and it becomes successful.  Meanwhile the house that their grandfather bought is now worth 3X as much due to inflation caused by the booming tech industry.  The grandfather allows one of the other children to take a loan against the home and flip 3 other houses.  Another child is successful.  The last child was able to go to college and build a career to manage to become a middle manager and make a good living.  All three of this grandfathers children were able to make it to middle or upper class. These children have 2 of their own children.  Jerry is one of those grandchildren.  The original siblings help each other out in raising their children by babysitting and offering advice on best school district.  They share resources with each other like baby clothes and books.  Grandfather dies and leaves his fully paid off house, pension, and other assets to all the 6 grandchildren in a trust.  Each child gets $150K each in a trust to use when they turn 25.  Each child has the means to go to college, two of them specialize in a profession like medicine or law, two others start a new business with their trust, and the remaining 2 go into the family business.  Jerry is 30 years old, has an Ivy League degree, $150K in a trust and is a partner at his family’s company.  That is what generational wealth looks like. 

Beauty

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And while that’s true, there is a variety of beauty in this world.   But we must admit that conventional beauty has so much power in our society. To be beautiful is to have doors literally opened for us.  Now this section isn’t just about women being beautiful.  Men can be beautiful too.  Just yesterday my 20 year old intern with stunning blue eyes and a linebacker’s build was telling me how the girls at Chipotle gave him free Chipotle.  And that won’t be the last freebie or leg up he gets for being extraordinarily handsome. I swear he looks like this actor:

Regardless, doors will open for him because beauty is attractive.  And people are drawn to what is attractive.  But this won’t necessary result in wealth.  Unlike generational wealth, people won’t hand you money just for being beautiful.  Often, beautiful people have to leverage their youth and beauty for opportunities for wealth.  I once had these model clients.  They were REAL models.  The types that walk runways for Gucci and Balmain.  They made well over six figures just in the US for their beauty.  One girl showed 200K from her contract with IMG Modeling. These girls also worked for other modeling agencies in Europe.  But wealth is real for these beauties. Once their modeling days are behind them, they could easily marry well to do men in finance who want a wife with good genes and beautiful skin to match. I don’t think many women have that kind of opportunity just handed to them.

The good thing is that the genetic lottery isn’t the only way to cash in on beauty.  With youth comes natural beauty.  Men and women are realizing this and capitalizing on their youth, building online businesses and brands for their youtube channels and Instagram accounts. From ages 16-35 women are at the peak of their beauty/youth.  For men that time frame is 20-40.  Just imagine how big of a business you can build in 20 years.  You can build an empire.  I could go on and on about how pretty privilege is a thing but I think I’ll save that for another post.  The good thing is that beauty and youth can truly be the stepping stone to success for those willing to step out of their shell and grab it.

Hustle

Some people are more hustlers.  I think I fall into that category over beauty.  I’m sure my youth has helped me a lot in gaining opportunities and getting my foot in the door.  But I’m not THAT pretty.  More like a girl next door type of look to me.   So I’ve had to rely more on my hustle and charm.  Hustle and charm are not easy skills to attain.  You need a mix of street-smart, hunger, people skills, charisma and intelligence to really win in this category of wealthy.  A talent or two won’t hurt either.

To be be clear, the definition of [hustle] according to Urban Dictionary is: To have the courage, confidence, self belief, and self-determination to go out there and work it out until you find the opportunities you want in life.

There are a million ways to make money hustling.  I truly believe there’s enough pie for everyone.  Hell, you can all bake your own pies. We live in a world that is rapidly changing with growths in technology and change in culture and opportunity.  Youtube star are making millions, Instagram Influencers are getting paychecks.  You can literally open a new store on Etsy and sell those handmade bracelets you always get compliments for or those handmade soaps.  You can become a motivational speaker.  Or you can be like me and do real estate and work your way up. Or start in any industry and work your way up.

This, to me, is the backbone for all wealth. There had to be someone to get the moneyball rolling whether it’s you or your grandfather. There really isn’t much substitute for grit, perseverance and grind when it comes to breaking socioeconomic barriers.

Smarts

Being book smart is important and if all else fails, you can’t go wrong with book-smart. It’s the type of hustle your parents always pushed for. “Education is everything,” my father said, “No one will ever be able to take your education away from you.”

And that’s true, I just wasn’t prepared to face the level of intellectual competition that I would face in that one year of law school.

My sister was, though. She finished her studies to become a doctor. After watching her go through 4 years of premed, 4 years of med school, 2 years of residency, another two years of fellowship and enough testing and studying to make your eyes bleed, I’m not sure I would say that I envy her life now. She truly earned it and now makes 250K a year working 32 hours a week. 32 hours a week!

Being smart is not just reading books and stating facts. It’s competing with all the other smart and intelligent people to be the best. I never felt more insecure of my own intelligence that I did during that one year of law school.

Think about beauty pageants that line women up according to their beauty and grace. Intellectual pursuits is kinda like that except with your brain and how smart you are.

No thanks, wasn’t for me.

Summary

I think the bulk of what I’m trying to get at is that obtaining wealth for a majority of people is not easy. But it’s not unattainable. And as long as it’s possible for you to get to the next level, you should be striving to make that happen. I’ve been broke and now I’m comfortable; I wouldn’t say wealthy but I anticipate maybe 10 years from that. Being broke sucks, staying broke is tougher. A lot of people don’t realize they can get up and change their situation. I’m here to tell you, YOU CAN.

I like to call it “bootstrapping it.” And IMO gaining wealth from your own hard work and grit is more satisfying than having it handed to you. Most of us reading this are not from generational wealth, it’s up to us to make our own wealth. It’s going to be a lot of trial and error, a lot of failure, but all you need is that one moment. All you need is one big win and all that failure will be erased.

I wish you all the best of luck on your journey for progress and wealth. Please share like and follow if you liked this post. I follow back!

Hello World :) July Statistics!

blog woodenSo I’ve been at this for about three months now!  And it’s been great.  I’ve been changing a lot of things up this week trying to make the adulting 101 better.

The #1 change I’ve made is to add better visuals to the posts in terms of the stock photos I’m using.  I’m not one to take content from other people and take pictures to go with my writing without either paying or giving credit, so I ended up using a lot of the free stock photos that are available on Pixabay free stock photo website.   It’s good and all, but I felt like there just wasn’t enough diversity in the pictures I was using, especially for the ones that relate to work.  I felt like my posts were all starting to look the same and I wanted to change it up.  So I decided to invest in adobe stock-photos for $29.99 to get 10 photos a month.  They’re good quality photos and I think it’ll be a while before I run out of interesting featured photos to compliment my posts.

I’m still committing to writing only two times a week but at least 1000 words a post.  I think that commitment has made my posts better and surprisingly I’m going over that writing minimum easily for most of my articles.

This month was surprisingly slow in the beginning but I think it had a lot to do with the 4th of July holiday here in the US.  Nevertheless, I ended up switching some of my advertising and it was effective in increasing my traffic towards the end of the month.  It makes me happy to know that you guys are reading my posts and are finding me easily.

This month I’ve increased to 36 new WordPress followers, 18 Medium followers, 6 email subscribers, 4 likes on my Facebook Page, and 16 Quora Followers.  That’s pretty nice for month 3 of promoting and blogging.

July

So where am I this month?  Well, I have more views than EVER!   I’ve already broken 550 unique views!  I’ll easily get to 580 unique views before the end of the month!  I also had my highest views ever this month.  On July 11th I broke 42 page views!

My top 5 articles this month are:

  1. How Do People Afford To Live In NYC?
  2. Developing Personal Style: The Manly Edition
  3. Why I Took The Risk And Quit Law School
  4. My Best Friend Ghosted Me
  5. I Survived A Toxic Manager

Compared to last month, my top 3 articles of 2018 are:

  1. Overcome Your Anxiety. 5 Ways I Worked To Overcome Mine
  2. On Gratitude…
  3. Hello World 🙂 June ’18 Statistics

This month I’ve only had a total of 18 likes and 5 new WordPress Followers and overall my search engine traffic has been lower, so the organic traffic has been slower BUT my promotion, advertising, and return readers are making up the difference.  I’m still beating June’s visitor numbers.

July 1

My readership this month was mainly from US, then India, Philippines, Australia, and the United Kingdom.  I’m glad my posts have been able to reach a global audience, it’s truly astounding how easily people of different countries can relate to posts.

This month I did struggle with some writers block. For about a week and a half, I struggled to get words on paper.  This usually happens when I’m distracted with other things, I was posting a lot on my personal Instagram and was preoccupied with that.  I got my head in the game though, I usually keep topics that I want to write on a list.  That way, if I run out of things to say or write, I kind of have a starting point.

I want to send a specific shoutout to my new 4 email followers. With the popup subscription signups, I don’t share any information.  It’s just a great way to stay connected and up to date with my posts.

Feel free to check out my progress with my last two statistics posts:

Hello World 🙂 June ’18 Statistics

Hello World 🙂 May Statistics

Thanks so much for the support!  Feel free to follow, like and share! 🙂

 

Why I Took The Risk And Quit Law School

Happy successful business people in office having fun throwing documents

I think a lot of what has held me back in life has been my own insecurity over what other people think. There’s kind of a safety in following the herd and doing what’s expected. I was always one of those people who found safety in numbers. Sure, standing out meant you might be liked more but it could also be an opportunity for people to put you down. So that’s what I did for many years, I was a self chosen wallflower. I wasn’t much different from anyone else, nor did I want to be.

For people who suffer from self esteem issues, there’s a lack of self acceptance that causes you to doubt yourself. A little voice in your head that says, “I don’t know about this, people might think this is stupid.” What I’ve learned over time is that that voice is irrelevant. I really pushed myself against what other people think. In my heart, I knew what was right for me and though my actions seemed risky to others, I followed my passions.

I feel like the story about how I quit law school is pretty relevant to this message. You see, like many young college students I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had no idea what my talents were or where my interests lay. I knew I was smart and was able to get good grades with some studying. Grad school seemed like a good option. And I like money and respect so going to law school seemed perfect. I could figure out what kind of law later. I had a vision that once I became a lawyer, I would be important and rich and everyone in life would like and respect me. So I took the LSAT, applied to different schools and finally was accepted to a decent law school in NYC with a partial scholarship. Everything seemed perfect.

A few days before I started law school I had a gut instinct that I didn’t want to go. I didn’t know where this feeling came from, I knew I shouldn’t be pursuing this degree. It was like a feeling of dread, like something terrible was about to happen. Logically, I didn’t have a good enough reason not to go, I didn’t listen to that instinct.  I went and spent 30K on that 1 year of law school.

And I bombed.

I sucked at the test taking. No matter how hard I tried I just wasn’t absorbing the information. I sucked at legal writing, I sucked at contract and real estate law. And I wasn’t happy. By the end of the first semester I started to question whether law school was the right direction for my talents.  My parents said, “No, you’ve got to see it through. Don’t be a quitter.” I didn’t want to be seen as a quitter by anyone. Even though that terrible gut feeling of doom was back, I continued my education for more torture.

That second semester, I was not sleeping or taking care of myself and literally abusing my body with adderral. I needed to get better grades, at whatever expense. I was getting addicted to adderall and by the end of that semester I was just over it. I didn’t bother checking my grades, I knew I was at the bottom of my class. June came and people had internships and I was like WTH, no one is going to hire me with these grades and I don’t think I can get through two more years of law school and a bar exam to become a lawyer.

So I quit.

The Assistant Dean actually called me when he saw I didn’t enroll again. I just let it go to voicemail. I couldn’t go back. My parents told me, “This is a decision you’ll regret for the rest of your life.” I wasn’t hearing it, I wasn’t going back.

That year, people would ask me how law school was going and it was so embarrassing to tell people I had quit. I tried to say it in a way that didn’t sound like quitting, “Oh I decided I didn’t want to be an attorney. It wasn’t for me.”  And it wasn’t. But being seen as someone who walked away from an opportunity really hung over my head.

After that I did an oddball office job until I got the special idea that I should be a real estate salesperson in NYC. I think I got the idea from Million Dollar Listing NY. LOL. I just loved the flashiness of it and the hustle. It seemed so legit. So I got my license and then signed up with a rental brokerage. It was the easiest thing ever.

I sucked at that too but I had the passion and drive to keep at it. I could tell you a billion stories about all the shitty client’s I had and all the fun deals I did but I’ll save that for another story.  I eventually climbed up the ranks to a great six figure sales opportunity. When I think about my current opportunity, I think DAMNN, you lucked out girl. This was a true hustle.

Other things happened in my life that I felt was totally not the norm, like getting pregnant at 23 and having a gunshot wedding to my college boyfriend who dropped out of undergrad.  Without a plan in sight, I’m sure it looked like our lives were about to crash land into loser land.  But K and I hustled like a dream team and made it work. Now people are looking at us like the power couple that got it all done before 30.

And if you told 20 year old version of me that I would be killing it at 29, I would have called you a liar. But we really did it and worked hard for the life we have now.

I think the moral of this story is more like:

Don’t be afraid to do you. Follow your gut and take risks. You’re not going to win at every single risk you take but at least you’ll have the experience and learn from it.

People who don’t take risks have nothing to lose but also nothing to gain. That’s the truth. The people in my life who played it safe are now wondering, “why isn’t life happening for them?” I just want to shake them and say, “because you did nothing to make it happen.”

I want to inspire everyone who’s reading this to think about the one thing you always wanted to pursue and then make a plan to create that reality in your life. Life and success doesn’t happen to lucky people but rather people who go out and make things happen. So the one thing I would recommend everyone focus on is to care LESS about what other people think about them. Of course there’ll be people who don’t like you or try to put you down. Those people are the minority and if you’re making people upset, that just means you’re doing something right.

I hope my story was one that inspired you! Please like, share and follow!

Check out my other posts too!

The Power Of Positivity

Playing The Game Of Life And Winning: 5 Approaches To Success

What Does It Take To Be Charismatic and Likeable?

My Favorite Dating Book: Why Men Love Bitches

bitches-900x672

Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov is my number one recommendation for women who feel like their not getting what they want out of their dating experience.

I will give this recommendation with a caveat. Essentially it is a book that talks about how to get a very specific type of man and keep him interested. The book doesn’t talk to much about the type of men that like bitches. But after reading, I got the vibe that this book is talking about men who are objectively attractive, somewhat respectful, intelligent, and has his shit together. Pretty much the man every woman wants when she says she wants a decent man.

When I picked up this book at 23 years old I was going through a lot of guy problems.   I was asking, “Where are all the good men?”   I just didn’t understand why guys would show interest in me and then not follow through.  Like, I was pretty, interesting and educated. What was I doing wrong? The thing was, I was also too agreeable, too available and too naggy. I wasn’t setting boundaries or setting standards. I didn’t know how.  I often wondered why some women got everything without even an effort.  And why men found certain, more assertive and confident, women attractive.   Meanwhile, I was bending over backwards to impress guys and keep them wanting more.  I wanted to learn how to attract a good man and also keep him.  I wanted to find a man who was husband material.

What I especially like about this dating book was the stories. There are some really relatable stories. There was Crystal who, after her date told her that he wanted to stay friends, stood him up when he tried to get him to booty call her. She said, sure, just wait for me outside with an umbrella so I won’t get wet when I get there. 3 hours later after thinking she was 5 mins away, he gets a brick to the face of cold, hard reality. She was never gonna come over and be that booty call.

There was also Jen who, though very pretty and confident, thought she should exercise her sexuality freely and early.  Jen gave the juju bean too early, usually within 1-2 dates and was shocked when a guy she really liked asked her, “how often she had sex on a first date.”  Sherry makes it clear, you’ve got to be perceptive about the different ways you can be perceived.  Even if it’s a one off type of one night stand, be prepared for the assumptions that could be made.

I like how Sherry just tells it how it is.  She’s not exactly politically correct, she takes a more traditional stand on when a woman should have sex.  Sex is available to women fairly easily, so using it to get a guy to spend time with you isn’t anything special.  Rather, how a a guy treats you after he’s been satisfied will tell a lot about what he thinks.

Why Men Love Bitches also did it’s homework.   She did an extensive amount of interviews with men and women to get what they thought on a lot of topics.  She discovered a lot of secrets about men through their testimonials

One of the men she interviewed admitted that men are addicted to the thrill of the chase.  Sherry uses a lot of comparisons but I think the best one is that the chase is comparable to watching a close football game.  If the score is 47-3 it’s not really exciting but if we’re talking 24-24, suddenly it’s the best game he’s ever seen.

I think her section on sex answered a lot of questions I had.  “How long is too soon to have sex?  What if he decides he doesn’t want to wait?  Am I being a tease?”  Hearing someone answer these questions for me, really helped me be confident in my choices.

Every man has an ego and Sherry teaches you how to gracefully handle the male ego while staying feminine.  She explains that men and women have masculine and feminine energy and that they kind of work as a sort of ying and yang that complete each other.  The issue most women have is that they try to use masculine energy to keep up with their men and impress them.   He likes football?   Make sure he knows that you know every single stat going on in the season.  Hoot louder than he does at the games.  Curse obscenities dirtier than him when the team loses.  Sure…that’s the way to his heart.  Not!  With feminine energy, you can get men to work with you, not against you, for a common goal.

Why Men Love Bitches also talks about walking away and having that power.  You always need to have a sense of independence.  Don’t talk about the relationship.  Don’t talk about fixing the relationship. Don’t talk about how to make the relationship better. She basically says that your actions will speak for the direction you want the relationship to go.  Words are empty and not worth the effort.  Your actions and what you’ll put up with will say more than words ever could.

Some of my favorite quotes are:

“Being a bitch isn’t about exuding a certain kind of arrogance.  Contrary to what the media would have us believe, it doesn’t matter how hip, cool or cocky you appear to be.  Power is the control you have over yourself.”

“When a man treats a woman with disrespect and she takes it, he begins tools respect for her.”

“And if you feel like you’re going to resent something after you give it, don’t give it. Give only what feels comfortable to give.”

There are so many great quotes and great ideas here   I could talk more about it, but I don’t want to spoil it for you.  Let’s just say that this is a book I recommend to all my girlfriends.  I’ve read it a few times and have gathered so many gems.

I do wish there was an updated book on how to deal with this whole online dating/ hookup culture that is now prevalent in our society.  The book was written in 2009 but things are so much different now with Tinder, OKCupid, Instagram and all the other ways that have made dating a pain.

Overall, this is an excellent book for those who want to understand the behavioral differences between women and men.  Also a great read for those who are marriage minded and want to find their life partners.

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Check out my other posts:

Dear Single Friends, This Is Why You Are Still Single. Love, Your Married Friend.

and

Dating in Your 30s vs Dating In Your 20s