I haven’t been writing much these past two weeks and honestly I don’t know if I will write much more. After my experience, I find my articles, though useful, as lacking substance.
A little backstory about me. I was raised Catholic by my parents though was not heavily emmersed into the Faith. I was baptized, received communion, took part in confession and went to Mass with my parents.
But at the same time, I didn’t fully understand my religion or what it meant. The time of Jesus felt like a time in history that was sooo long ago. Like mythic story or an incredible legend, not something that should be lived through today.
In my late teens to present, I’ve lived farther from God. Living in sexual sin that is so casual today, being prideful and lost. I’m not a bad person by human standards, but I’m definitely not a Holy person either.
Lately I’ve been feeling very lost. As a child I felt like by the time I was an adult the world would make sense. I would understand why people suffer or why people do evil things or allow evil to occur, but I didn’t. I still have no clue. I also realized how blessed I was with all the gifts of having a great husband, children, a good job, health and family. Still I felt it all could be taken from me, I felt vulnerable.
About 2 weeks ago, I was on the bus I take to commute to every evening. On the way, there’s this billboard with the Blessed Virgin Mary telling us to pray the rosary. “Change your life, change the world.” I had seen that sign many times and thought nothing of it. But that day it was burned in my memory.
A few days later, my mother comes to go pumpkin picking with me, my husband, my daughter and my sister and her boyfriend. She had just come back from her religious pilgrimage from Lourdes, France and Fatima, Portugal. She gave me Lourdes Holy Water and a Blessed rosary from Fatima. I thanked her and she told me that she had a spare for my sister, who hadn’t arrived yet. I immediate thought of my mother in law, who’s mother (my husband’s grandmother) was sick. I asked my mom to give the spare religious items to my mother in law instead. Not explaining why.
Immediately I knew I did a good thing and thought about how happy God would be that we are sharing our faith among eachother. The thought lingered and so did the billboard.
I found myself looking up the rosary prayer wondering if it could really change our lives. I don’t know what drew me to the rosary that my mother gave me, I had never prayed the rosary before. After all my research, the common theme was that it was a powerful prayer that allowed for God’s Grace.
In a sort of test to God, I agreed with myself to pray the rosary every day for a month and see what happens. I thought, “What could I really lose by praying the rosary every day?” I would be open to whatever the prayer led me to, even if it was nothing.
After two days of praying the rosary, many things were revealed to me. Some things that I had always known but chose to ignore and other things that I had no real understanding of previously.
- . I realized how greatly I sinned and how it offended God for me to live like this. It was like the veil was lifted from my eyes and I knew I was living in spiritual squalor.
- I needed to go to Confession and confess all that I’ve sinned with great remorse. This wasn’t hard, because I felt so disgusted with myself.
- I needed to be the spiritual pillar for my family’s faith because even though I was weak, I was still stronger than my husband and my daughter in Faith. Through me and my devotion to God, they could be saved.
- That our lives on this earth is incredibly short and we were always intended to live as Saints among the Angels. And that if I didn’t feel like I was a Saint now, I need to start working on myself spiritually. Right now we are in a very fallen state.
- That the Devil is real and lives among us with his demons. Many people don’t worship the devil outright. But people who do not have God in their hearts are allowing themselves to be used by the Devil to destroy their souls and the souls of others. Many of the evil things we see in the news are caused by the Devil acting through others.
- That my eldest sister was being spiritually tormented. That’s why she has so much hate for our parents, including our father.
I found many of these thoughts strange. They had come to me out of nowhere. I started researching Catholic terms including: what is grace, miracles, Fatima and Lourdes. Heaven, Hell, and Purgatory. Saints, Sainthood and incorruptibility. Everything that was uniquely Catholic.
I concluded that these thoughts came to me from supernatural means and through the grace of God.
I started to get very sad in the mornings thinking about all the ways I have sinned and how blessed I was to have received the Grace of God. I was crying a lot and feeling very sad.
I resolved to go to Confession as soon as possible to take care of all the longstanding sins I had committed. I created a two page list of all the worst sins I had created and resolved not to commit them again.
I personally dislike Confession. The hardest thing you can do is stand before God and say, “here are all the ways I failed you, please forgive me.”
When Saturday came, the day the Sacrament of Reconciliation is offered, I waited my turn for my confessional. When it was my turn, I immediately start crying but go through my whole list of sins.
Father helps me through the Acts of Contrition prayer I had forgotten and absolves me of my sins.
So here I am trying to mend my relationship with God that I let fall apart over the years. I thought I would share this story with all my loyal readers. After much thought and prayer, I’m taking a hiatus from this blog to focus on God and my family. If any of you have any questions, feel free to ask here.